if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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