sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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