I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize