Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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