saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
