and she was petting her beer can
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i've created a new STD.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
