If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
