I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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