So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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