After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
