There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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