Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
