I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize