is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize