Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
