my phone needs a breathalizer
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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