Is it normal to miss your booty call?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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