ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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