like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
