I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
this beer tastes like vomit already
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
