I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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