hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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