no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
