I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
