Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
