You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
