I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
