Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
