my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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