i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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