My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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