Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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