it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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