Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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