Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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