$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
