Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
