Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
