I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
