in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize