I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
