I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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