So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
