I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
