My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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