Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
