My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
