when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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