my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
