The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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