We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize