I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm like, not good at living.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
