Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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