life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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