If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
