I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
