I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
