I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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