im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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