Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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