It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
