Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
